(no subject)

[mockingbirdq]

Things aren't going well lately. I made the mistake of trusting a group of the kids I sponser to work in my room while I was off campus Friday. They acted up, and got caught, and now I'm guessing I'll get a formal reprimand. At least they weren't actually doing anything awful, but still... I'm tired of it and ready to find them a new sponser. I'm ready to stop being a teacher. I've hit my 5th year and I am burnt out, in every sense.

Life sucks. I'm realizing Fox is growing up and I have so many regrets- namely not spending enough time with him. Almost 5 years, and less than a year of it total was spent outside of daycare. If I could do it all again, I would have never gone back to work. Now if I make that choice we lose the house.

I'm also coming to the realization that I may never be able to have another child, and that is just killing me. Tomu doesn't get it at all, but all I can think is that I'm setting him up for one of two situations: being an only child or having a sibling so much younger that you end up with 2 only children, for all effects and purposes.

Fox and I are both sick, I'm depressed, I hate my job and suddenly can't imagine doing it another year, much less 30. I feel trapped and alone and like there is no one who can understand me.

When I try to speak to Tomu about it, he just starts making noises about "Well, if you are so unhappy we should just get a divorce."

Umm, yeah. It's a little hard to open up to you when my not being overjoyed with our current life is taken as a personal assault. A**hole! Can I just once vent without you taking over the conversation and making it YOUR issue.

I guess I'm having a midlife crisis. I have no idea where I'm headed now for my future though.

I want to be 20 again. I want to have all my choices to make again and I want to know what I know now. I want another chance to get it right...

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/little_e_/]

*hugs*

Sell the house and move somewhere cheaper?

At least things'll feel better when you're not sick. You can look forward to that.

I think a lot of people hate their jobs. A lot of people I know, anyway.

Good luck.

[mockingbirdq.livejournal.com]

Hard selling market at the moment. Also, Tomu and I have huge differences of opinion about where to live. He hates small towns and I just want to move back to my hometown. I never really wanted to leave, but I was kinda blackmailed into it.

So many times I've wished we never moved - but my husband literally said that if I didn't leave we were going to divorce or he was going to kill himself. He really hated it there, so we moved for his sake.

I don't know how much longer my sanity can take this however. I don't know what will happen. I'll just keep moving forward...

[yankeerose69.livejournal.com]

I never really wanted to leave, but I was kinda blackmailed into it. So many times I've wished we never moved - but my husband literally said that if I didn't leave we were going to divorce or he was going to kill himself. He really hated it there, so we moved for his sake.

I know the feeling all too well with this part and the other part I'll be commenting on. I believe I too was blackmailed into moving when I didn't want to. This was back in '00 when we only lived in our 1st house for not even a year. He would whine and cry about wanting to move out to Flint/Tyler closer to HIS family. I didn't want to live out that far and I tried to tell him that, especially since our commute to work would've been pretty far. (106 miles ONE WAY to Dallas for 2/half yrs!!!!) THEN I found out his real reason for wanting to move after we were there. He had this whole HUGE plan for new lives for us by quitting our jobs and finding something out in Tyler. He knew damn well we couldn't afford the paycut and that Tyler wouldn't pay us as much as what we were making in Dallas. Plus I think he wanted to move so I couldn't be closer to my friends that he didn't "approve" of. Believe me, there was nothing bad about the gals and 2 guys who I hung with that DIDN'T involve wanting to sleep with my male friends. (which I'm sure some insecure hubbies think about when their wives have male friends).

So I knew that if I opposed hard on not wanting to move and we would've stayed, I would've had to have heard the CONSTANT whining and crying, pissing and moaning about how I didn't want to move and would find the tiniest of reasons about why we shouldn't be living there and such. That's why I gave in. He didn't get dramatic like your's did, just found another way to act like a child.

When we FINALLY moved back to the area when we were in Royse City, he told me that it was my turn to pick the area/house to live in. So when we were down to two choices; Rowlett or the house in RC, GUESS who was the one that suddenly changed their minds on just who REALLY got to pick? I was fucking pissed. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried that day in the RE office since the realtor gave us a little time to talk it over. I had to wear my sunglasses when she came back in cause I didn't want her to know I was crying about it.