(no subject)

[mockingbirdq]

Things aren't going well lately. I made the mistake of trusting a group of the kids I sponser to work in my room while I was off campus Friday. They acted up, and got caught, and now I'm guessing I'll get a formal reprimand. At least they weren't actually doing anything awful, but still... I'm tired of it and ready to find them a new sponser. I'm ready to stop being a teacher. I've hit my 5th year and I am burnt out, in every sense.

Life sucks. I'm realizing Fox is growing up and I have so many regrets- namely not spending enough time with him. Almost 5 years, and less than a year of it total was spent outside of daycare. If I could do it all again, I would have never gone back to work. Now if I make that choice we lose the house.

I'm also coming to the realization that I may never be able to have another child, and that is just killing me. Tomu doesn't get it at all, but all I can think is that I'm setting him up for one of two situations: being an only child or having a sibling so much younger that you end up with 2 only children, for all effects and purposes.

Fox and I are both sick, I'm depressed, I hate my job and suddenly can't imagine doing it another year, much less 30. I feel trapped and alone and like there is no one who can understand me.

When I try to speak to Tomu about it, he just starts making noises about "Well, if you are so unhappy we should just get a divorce."

Umm, yeah. It's a little hard to open up to you when my not being overjoyed with our current life is taken as a personal assault. A**hole! Can I just once vent without you taking over the conversation and making it YOUR issue.

I guess I'm having a midlife crisis. I have no idea where I'm headed now for my future though.

I want to be 20 again. I want to have all my choices to make again and I want to know what I know now. I want another chance to get it right...

Comments

[yankeerose69.livejournal.com]

When I try to speak to Tomu about it, he just starts making noises about "Well, if you are so unhappy we should just get a divorce."

Amazing how the first thing to come out of their mouths is the D word when they can't get their way. Let me guess, you tell him about how your feeling in your job, Fox, and such, and maybe not really say much about the marriage and right away he gets on the defensive and resorts to throwing the D word around? I found that it's a crime to express about how you are feeling yet we are supposed to be sooo supportive and caring when they do the same to us.

I've learned soooooooo much in the 10yrs of our marriage that I feel kinda prepared on my surroundings in the future when it comes to getting close to another man.

Thankfully, my divorce should be final before Thanxgiving and thank god that TX is only 60 days to file. There was no fixing this marriage at all. Didn't love each other, had NOTHING in common anymore (and the motorcycles didn't count), he wasn't willing to make much compromises for me yet I had to drop almost everything I liked that made me happy for him (I'll be damned if I let a man control the life I was given!!) and the fucker cheated on me numerous of times since I'm sure they gave him the attention and babying that I wasn't spoiling him with. Plus he's hooking back up with his ex-fiance from 12yrs ago in Germany (I guess once her divoce is completed). She's now cursed on having to put up with his shit. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! She's in for a rude awakening when she finds out he's not the man she knew 12yrs ago either.

I hope things do get a little better soon in your life. Seems like the bad stuff takes forever to clear up before the good stuff decides to appear.

[mockingbirdq.livejournal.com]

I don't know what the future will hold, but I do know the thought of divorce doesn't terrify me the way it used to when I was younger. Now it sounds almost like freedom and sometimes I'm so tired of feeling trapped.

Fox would be devastated though, so I'm not really considering it. Financially, I know what divorce would do to him and I don't want that for his life.

The scenario is exactly like you describe. I'm just telling him things that have happened, and he suddenly starts yelling about divorce. When Tomu starts in about it though, sometimes I just want to yell back, "Good. Let's do that. File the paperwork."

I feel like he's using it as another form of blackmail. I've always given in to him, and now - I can't understand why.

Should I say sorry or congrats about the divorce? Either way, it sounds like you are making some choices you've wanted to make, and I'm glad. Let me know if you end up back in Dallas - I'm in the Fort Worth area :)

[yankeerose69.livejournal.com]

I don't know what the future will hold, but I do know the thought of divorce doesn't terrify me the way it used to when I was younger. Now it sounds almost like freedom and sometimes I'm so tired of feeling trapped.

Yeah, divorce used to terrify me too, I guess it was the feeling of being on my own and not having that other person in my life that I relied on too much. And then when I could feel things were turning sour w/our relationship, the D word didn't bother me as much. But when he did bring it up about separating at the end of this March, I did kinda take it hard but once I realized this is what is best for us, I got over it.

I totally felt not only trapped but smothered constantly by him. It was to the point where I had no breathing room and he didn't know what it meant to "give me my space!"

I know mine would bring it up time to time about getting a divorce and I kept thinking 'if you're going to throw it around so much, what is holding you back?' but what I think spurned him on this time around was knowing he could have a chance to hook back up with his ex so that way he wouldn't have to worry about being alone. As for me? I'm content on not being with anyone right now and lord knows when I'll be ready again to make myself available. I tend to be very cautious about who knows what is going on in my personal life, especially at work cause I don't need un-wanted advances from guys I either don't know or totally not interested in. And pending on how long I'm at this job by next yr, NO ONE will know about my situation even when I leave.

I feel like he's using it as another form of blackmail. I've always given in to him, and now - I can't understand why.

I know women are known to do that too but considering the shit I had to witness with my own and seeing how your's is behaving, men are pretty bad at blackmailing too or basically making you feel that YOU are the one that has to change in order to keep him around whereas it's him that really needs to grow up. Men are spoiled that way when it comes to how we women treat them that when we don't treat them by being their slaves in any kind of way, they want to turn on us and make us feel like shit cause they can't get their own way. Yet they won't return the favor for us w/out bitching about doing it.

Should I say sorry or congrats about the divorce? Either way, it sounds like you are making some choices you've wanted to make, and I'm glad. Let me know if you end up back in Dallas - I'm in the Fort Worth area :)

*lol* My friend from the Army said that too on not sure what he should say about the situation. I guess both but it's leaning more to the congrats. I think back when we got married and I don't even know why we did. I was 20 (going on 21) and what the hell did I know about marriage? He was 27 so he was at the age where he was in the mindframe of settling down with kids whereas I was still pretty young and didn't want to be tied down like that. I am thankful that there are no kids involved cause I can't imagine just how much harder that is for the parents and the child.

What part of FW do you live in?

Good luck on doing the counseling thing if you guys do decide to try it out. Mine brought that up 2yrs ago and I just felt that with how things were already ruined in the relationship, a shrink wasn't going to be able to help on, for instance, making me feel that I should have to give him sex more when he wants it. But I'm sure it would've helped us to see how we both were or were behaving but it still wouldn't have saved the marriage since douche bag always expected me to drop everything for him.

My friend who is also going through a divorce, she at least made the effort on counseling at her church yet her hubby only made it to a few sessions but she kept up with her side. I'm glad she did cause it did help her on deeper issues about her upbringing and such. And cause of that, I find her to be a better person now than back when I first knew her in '00.

[mockingbirdq.livejournal.com]

See the weird thing is: I still want to be together with him. To this day, I have never been as "connected" with anyone else, and most of the time we understand each other in ways no one else can. This man is my best friend and soulmate and I want to be together in the old folks home at the end...There's a reason we've made it so many years.

I just don't want to be married anymore ;) But with a kid, that's not going to happen. I guess what I really want is the relationship we had when we were dating, and lovers, but not forced into these roles that seem to make up recreate our parents. Tomu is more like his father everyday, yelling and all, and that is scary. I find myself falling into my mother's role of trying to placate her husband and pretend everything is fine despite the fighting.

We are both falling into these roles we observed in our childhood and completely forgetting how much we despised our parents for doing these things when we met. He would barely even speak to his father for years because of the way he treated Tomu's mother, and I always swore I would never give in to a man just to make him happy. Maybe counseling will help us deal with some of that.

I'm in Tarrant county btw. Email me if you want more details since this is public and I'd like to keep my job ;)