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Oct. 5th, 2008 11:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mockingbirdqThings aren't going well lately. I made the mistake of trusting a group of the kids I sponser to work in my room while I was off campus Friday. They acted up, and got caught, and now I'm guessing I'll get a formal reprimand. At least they weren't actually doing anything awful, but still... I'm tired of it and ready to find them a new sponser. I'm ready to stop being a teacher. I've hit my 5th year and I am burnt out, in every sense.
Life sucks. I'm realizing Fox is growing up and I have so many regrets- namely not spending enough time with him. Almost 5 years, and less than a year of it total was spent outside of daycare. If I could do it all again, I would have never gone back to work. Now if I make that choice we lose the house.
I'm also coming to the realization that I may never be able to have another child, and that is just killing me. Tomu doesn't get it at all, but all I can think is that I'm setting him up for one of two situations: being an only child or having a sibling so much younger that you end up with 2 only children, for all effects and purposes.
Fox and I are both sick, I'm depressed, I hate my job and suddenly can't imagine doing it another year, much less 30. I feel trapped and alone and like there is no one who can understand me.
When I try to speak to Tomu about it, he just starts making noises about "Well, if you are so unhappy we should just get a divorce."
Umm, yeah. It's a little hard to open up to you when my not being overjoyed with our current life is taken as a personal assault. A**hole! Can I just once vent without you taking over the conversation and making it YOUR issue.
I guess I'm having a midlife crisis. I have no idea where I'm headed now for my future though.
I want to be 20 again. I want to have all my choices to make again and I want to know what I know now. I want another chance to get it right...
Life sucks. I'm realizing Fox is growing up and I have so many regrets- namely not spending enough time with him. Almost 5 years, and less than a year of it total was spent outside of daycare. If I could do it all again, I would have never gone back to work. Now if I make that choice we lose the house.
I'm also coming to the realization that I may never be able to have another child, and that is just killing me. Tomu doesn't get it at all, but all I can think is that I'm setting him up for one of two situations: being an only child or having a sibling so much younger that you end up with 2 only children, for all effects and purposes.
Fox and I are both sick, I'm depressed, I hate my job and suddenly can't imagine doing it another year, much less 30. I feel trapped and alone and like there is no one who can understand me.
When I try to speak to Tomu about it, he just starts making noises about "Well, if you are so unhappy we should just get a divorce."
Umm, yeah. It's a little hard to open up to you when my not being overjoyed with our current life is taken as a personal assault. A**hole! Can I just once vent without you taking over the conversation and making it YOUR issue.
I guess I'm having a midlife crisis. I have no idea where I'm headed now for my future though.
I want to be 20 again. I want to have all my choices to make again and I want to know what I know now. I want another chance to get it right...
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hang in there
Date: 2008-10-09 12:54 am (UTC)Re: hang in there
Date: 2008-10-11 06:39 am (UTC)How are you? And Pedro?